"Next Blog"

I clicked on "Next Blog" up at the top of the page a couple of times to test what came up. Let's say I did this about 10 times. 6 of those 10 times, the blog that came up revolved around food, exclusively food. One was some single mom sharing recipes, another was a couple and their food-related travels, and another was a guy that really likes bacon.

Avid food blog reader.

3 of those 10 blogs were religious in some way. The 3 I saw were Christian, but I am sure there are Islamic, Jewish, Hindu, Sikh blogs, etc. These were the boring ones.

1 of 10 was a completely pointless blog that I didn't want to read. Kind of like this one. Which led me to wonder, what makes a popular blog? There's the obvious: Being famous, appealing to a subculture, being associated with a bigger more popular website. But what is a small timer to do? Here's the answer: Nothing. There is nothing desirable about having a popular blog. A wise man once said "Fans are clingy complaining dipshits that are never happy no matter how many concessions you give them." Why would you want a bunch of people reading your blog that you don't get paid for? So they could say things like "Gee whiz, that was a long time since your last entry, why don't you type entries most regularly so that I can complain that they aren't even MORE frequent"? You don't need that!

Get away from us, we don't like you anymore.




Anyway, point of the post: We, as a people, need to stop being so fucking obsessed with food that we devote entire blogs to it. What the fuck?

The True Meaning of Christmas is...

... Beating Resident Evil 4 on Professional difficulty, obviously. I often think about these time-honoured traditions, such as battling the Village Boss (whatever his name is) to get the eye and dying a couple of times because I am too cocky, and I think "How could I ever have these valuable rituals if I had kids?" The answer is that I couldn't, they would be eating the controllers and shitting all over the game.



He's comin' over to babysit.

My dear friends recently had a little girl, some other friends of mine (less dear, but still okay) recently announced that they are expecting a round little baby. The first couple don't play video games so the baby can be their new hobby, but the second couple are pretty selfish! I mean, coooome on. This guy is late to everything! How is he supposed to look after a baby when all he wants to do is play Arkham Asylum?

Anyway, all babies and video games aside, the true meaning of Christmas is to watch Christmas movies just because you can. Cancel your motherfuckin' plans, sit your fat ass down, and watch the greatest movie of them all "A Christmas Story." Not because it is a good movie, because you have nothing to do. It's even got rabbits!



Oh Aunt Martha, when will you learn?

I can hear you now "O, BFG, I would if I could but I have to do X, Y, and Z." I don't care, cancel that shit and chill out. Christmas break isn't about doin' stuff, it's about doin' nothing or slightly more than nothing, such as beating a game you basically have memorized for the 80th time.

Whoa whoa whoa... Whoa

The posting of (potentially) fat chick titties is taking your comeback tour one step too far, LF.

Bunnies and Football

Unfortunately, Rocktober is past -- leaving us with November, a month which can only claim fame as the month political assassinations go down, or harbor bombings are plotted.

Fortunately, we can remember the spirit of Rocktober (or at least the picture of it) with this similar poster, as stolen from a fine competing blog to this humble one. Let this be my ode to professional football in all of its sorts, especially the amateur-esque qualities of CIS football.



And, as well, a cute bunny photo, to liven things up more, as stolen from cute overload. Did things ever get sappy here while I was gone. Perhaps I'll break out the recipe book for my favorite brownies next.

Bunnies

They're pretty fuckin' awesome.

Just because everyone likes it...

... Doesn't mean it isn't total shit. Or over-hyped to an embarrassing degree. This is especially true if, say, someone that is your friend is telling you that something you made is "AWESOME!" They don't truly mean that, by standards that apply to the rest of the world, what you have done is awesome. They mean "considering you are a person I know and I never knew you to (a) blog, (b) be creative, (c) do whatever, what you have just done is pretty awesome."

Thus, when one is undertaking something for general consumption, anonymity is the key. Otherwise, people that LIKE YOU ALREADY will tell you they love it and people that don't know you will tell you your face is stupid. Therefore, when it comes to stuff you create, your friend's opinions don't count. Unless they are being honest with you. Just hitting you with platitudes should be your first clue that they are just humouring you. Fucking moron.

Real friends will tell you if you are being a fucking moron.

Anticipation!

Soon my love, soon. Be still, they'll hear you.

ROCKTOBER

Brutal Legend (umlats not included) came out this week and I am all jealous that I can't get it. The demo makes it look like a wicked fun hilarious version of God of War. Mr. Serious Kratos is replaced by Eddie voiced by the hilarious Jack Black. In the demo there is a part where you are driving a car around this giant worm-thing. When the worm-thing hits your car and you go flying through the air you hear JB yelling "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck." It's funny cause that's exactly what I was thinking of yelling at that point. Later you drop a gate on the "head" of the worm-thing and Eddie slides in yelling "Decapitatiooooon" in his metalist voice. AWESOME.


Other stuff is out too, like Demon's Souls. That game is supposed to be punishingly difficult, which is cool, cause I am sick of just having my hand held through games. But what do you want from a guy that has been playing Little Big Planet for the past little while. I need difficulty, and DEATH!

Anyway, Olympics are in Vancouver and it's all over the TV, the internet, books, the newspaper, and yo mama.. Victoria must, yet again, be telling all their friends "But I'm the capital of the province, why does Vancouver get all the action?" The answer is because no one likes Victoria. Moving on, there is nothing interesting about the Olympics. I mean, I guess it's cool cause like, countries win medals and stuff, but Winter Olympics especially are just another hockey tournament for me. I don't really care if Canada gets a bronze in Woman's cross-country skiing. Do you? Does anybody other than the hardest core cross-country ski fans? Some of these sports aren't even interesting, like figure skating. Isn't bowling in the summer Olympics? BOOOOORING. There are Olympics people, however, they are JUST SO INTO THE OLYMPICS. Mainly because (a) they are into one of the sports and are just like "Shit, bobsledding or swimming is on TV only once every four years!" or (b) They just love sports and/or hype. These are the people that are like "Man, I was watching the darts championships the other day, and Nord Jokkussen is awesome!"

Dummies.

Not your thinking-man's movie

Well, I went to go see Inglourious Basterds (or however they misspell it, I ain't googling it, so there) and I gotta say it was okay. That's it. JUST okay. Everyone is like "WHOOOOOOOOOA, DUDE, YOU GOTTA SEE THIS MOVIE BEFORE I EJACULATE!!!" I gotta say, this movie is unique in the sense that it doesn't waste one iota of effort on trying to develop any characters. Brad Pitt claims in the trailer that he wants his scalps, then the next scene with him in it has him scalping Nazis. That's it, there is no other side to him, he is introduced as a Nazi killer and he stays that way until the end of the movie. The most interesting character is an SS Captain and even he is underdeveloped.

Allow me to cut you off before you mouth-breathers answer back with "That's the point!!!" I guess that's what they were going for, but still, it was almost a non-event. QT can do whatever he wants, create any kind of movie, and he made this. I heard that he was writing this 4 years ago, or something. How does it take 4 years to write a 2.5 hour movie with no character development? I'll tell you: Lots of stuff happens. It's fun, don't get me wrong, just think about the people that will recommend this to you. Prior to this movie, their favourite was probably RoboCop 2 or Predator. All fun movies, all requiring about 1/4 of your total attention.

Fat Fuckin' Burger!

Fatburger is the bizzle bomb, yo! Number one burger place in Calgary, bar none.

Hack Attack

Some guy that wrote one semi-sweet book back in the 80's doesn't like gay people. My point: Who cares. This has the same earth-shattering impact as a lame tv actor making a homophobic comment. Point is, what these nobodies think is of zero importance. And who the motherfuck cares about Orson Scott Card? The guy stretched out one book that WASN'T THAT GOOD into a questionable legacy and now the geeks of the present are all torn up that this dime-a-dozen author said that he doesn't like gay marriage.

The guy wrote a book that lots of people have read in the past 20 years, and a bunch more that no one likes/bothered to read. We should not care about his opinion. He shouldn't even be relevant any more.

Fat Chicks

Let's get one thing straight off the bat: There is nothing wrong with fat people in and of themselves. They are sometimes jovial, sometimes depressive, love food, and the ladies generally have big titties. And EVERYONE, male and female, loves big titties.

However, at the bar on Saturday, this one big girl came up to me and started talking. I was giving her the time of day, so she probably interpreted that as "Being totally into her!!!" Then my nipples suffered under her awesome assault! Thing is, it wasn't so bad. If all fat girls come up to you and start feeling you up, then I am going to have to start hitting on fat chicks EXCLUSIVELY. Then I would feel like a million bucks anywhere I go.

I will only be talking to fat girls, starting now. Sorry skinnies, but you had your chances. All you did was act kinda neurotic and have low self esteem. Onward, to the well-adjusted blob-people!

The Big Show

The Calgary Stampede closes every night with a great big gala spectacular called "The Big Show". Throughout the Big Show there is original music with lines like "This is the Big Show!" over and over again. I was surprised they didn't say something like "We are 55% through the Big Shoooooow!" There was also one dancer with a massive rack.

At the rodeo, one of the guys stood up and started describing how they get the horses to buck, or something, and how it doesn't hurt them. Then he said "Anyone that tells you that we hurt animals at the rodeo, you tell them you heard otherwise from a real cowboy that knows what he's talking about." He sure does, no animals hurt at the Stampede on his watch. Now, I'm not an animal rights kind of guy, just sayin' these ones would still be alive if it weren't for the old Stampede.

Which brings me to my next point: How much of a hick do you have to be to be into the rodeo? Like, seriously, you stay on a bull for 8 seconds or whatever, how is that cool? It's cool when they go flying, don't get me wrong, but what's the point?

Too Many Mutha-Ucka'z Uckin' Wit Ma Shee.

Who would ever recommend a Michael Cera movie, I mean COOOME ON. Jack Black is a man I view as a sometimes comic genius but I will not watch Year One because Cera's awkward ass is going to be mumbling and bumbling around the screen all stupidly.

Look at him:


What a chump. I thought he was funny in Arrested Development, we all did. He was kinda awkward, kinda quirky, I thought "What a great character." Then I realized, it's not a great character when Cera is the same character in every movie! He's just being himself! That's not acting, that's just reading lines. Unfortunately, he gets paid more than me, which just shows how mental the world's incentive scheme is.

Let's all boycott Year One. O wait, you won't, because everyone is an asshole except me! Please Hollywood, tell me what to like! I eat this shit up when you feed it to me, here's my $12.50.

Hey Look, Something I Was Told To Like.

Moving on. What's the deal with giving props to whatever high budget video game happens to come out that week? I am looking at you Gamespot. Sure, there are tons of yes men in the review game, but what the fuuuuuuck? Why is this game getting accolades out the ass? You have infinite ammo, pretty much nothing can kill you (I played the demo, so I might have had an overpowered character), and you just fire tons of electricity around. I really like blowing shit up as much as the next social reject, but mucho explosions does not a good game make.

I dunno, I don't identify with a main character that looks like he belongs in the audience of some amateur MMA event and handles like the national parkour champion. Some mouth-breathers have gone so far as to say this game has the "best storyline since Bioshock." First of all, Bioshock has one of the best storylines in history. There is no way Skinhead McLightningbolt can compete with Andrew Ryan. Second of all, since when do sandbox games get storyline points? If you can do anything in any order you like, then the story is a set of main missions surrounded by side quests that don't really matter. How can you have a wicked story when most of it doesn't really matter? I haven't played the game, but I am just comparing it to, say, GTA or Oblivion. Side quests are something like this: "Can you help me? Good. Kill/Steal/Retrieve/Go to Objective. Then Return." After this, the king is still dead, the city is still fucked, and you still have a job to do. Story not advanced.

Let's see something that isn't the same old bullshit. Lets see something new, something fresh, or maybe something not completely new but with a bit of imagination in the concept. On topic, maybe Alan Wake will make it onto the PS3 through some magical happenings in the land of dick-swinging and the Halo freaks won't have something else to hold onto that they can't appreciate... like the Fallout 3 DLC... Grumble.

Freezer Repair Apprentice

Yes! I finally got my apprenticeship in freezer repair!

It's funny because I wasn't really trying to, I just keep having to turn the damn thing off to clear out the ice that is blocking the fan about once a month, and now I have logged enough hours to finally be a qualified apprentice!

In other news, my professional team of badasses has been scooped by someone from Montreal. Scooped in the long-term sense of the word, since we are about 1.5 years behind. In an effort to salvage something of this disaster of Hindenburg-esque proportions, I will be pulling a rabbit out of my ass.

So Much Freedom, No Idea on What to Do

(I am opening myself up to obvious jokes here...)

I guess I could, I dunno, write a story or do some work or something... Instead I will do nothing and waste time on Wikipedia.

(2 hours later)

I am no smarter for the experience. Of course, you don't stay on Wikipedia when you go there, you make your way to other parts of the net and start reading forums with 3000 + posts and then your brain just turns to mush and you smell burnt toast and you forget things like the capitals of countries to make room in your now mushy brain for all the stupid bullshit getting spewed about the latest Zero Punctuation review or YouTube rickrolling video.

"IMHO not funny but some people might like it i dunno not my thing

just my opinion tho"

If you have ever posted something like the above quote on some sort of forum designed for public comments, please take every computer that is in your house and donate it to people that cannot afford a computer. Then drop out of school or quit your job, since you are polluting the lives of others with your inane existence. Then go tell my co-pilot on this magical mystery tour, Lunatic Fringe, to post on the g-d blog before I go to his g-d house and start messin' up his face.

Which brings me to my next point: The people that live across the street from me. When I said to donate the abused computers to those that cannot afford their own computers, exclude the people across the street. They sit on their steps yelling at one another, despite the fact they are about 2 feet away from each other, and then they scream at their dog when it tries to have some fun in their fenced off front yard. They also burp really loudly when I am trying to enjoy a nice night of not hearing their disgusting burps. If this carries on into the summer then once I get back from LF's place I am gonna have to take my face-messin'-up show on the road.

Email Boardgaming Supremacy

In diplomatic relations news, this blog's BFG9000 recently wrapped up 17 weeks of play-by-email Diplomacy with a victory for England. Lunatic Fringe was also in the game as Turkey, and placed a solid second. However, BFG9000's mighty pen and sharp wit carried him to victory... Well, technically the game isn't over yet, but in keeping with a tradition of gloating, I decided to post this early.

Here's a shot of the game as it stands.

As you can see, England has the game in hand through clever moves and brilliant negotiation. What genius gameplay. It should be noted that this is Lunatic Fringe's first game ever, so his showing speaks to his strong fundamentals and never-say-die attitude. Unfortunately, close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades... and fuzzy bitmaps.

Silent Hill: Homecoming. American Sellout Special or Evolution of Survival Horror?

Spoiler Alerts, but why would you be reading a commentary if you hadn't played the game, idiot?

I have the special distinction of being "down" with Silent Hill since Day 1. This is a fact I gladly lord over my other video gaming friends. I say things like "If only you had picked up Silent Hill 1 and known the fear and anxiety it caused when you were still innocent." Silent Hill 2 is by far one of the most amazing games in history, so we won't even waste more characters going there. Silent Hill 3 lost me partway through the beginning and I never bothered with 4, but now that I have a next-gen console it was only a matter of time before I picked up SH:H, or 5 as it was once known.

Enter local bad-ass and protagonist Alex Shepard. The guy has problems, like all other SH main characters, only Alex isn't some chump that crashed a Jeep at the city limits. Alex is an ex-soldier (or so he wishes) who must have been in the U.S. Army's Special Ops unit that specialized in killing fucked up looking monsters. Never has a SH character been able to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee like Alex. And it works. I am confused when I hear fanboy purists (Note: I am a fan of the series, different from "fanboy") saying that shitty fighting abilities was part of the scary package of Silent Hill. There is nothing scary about lining up James Sutherland with a slowly approaching nurse then holding the bash button so that you time the head smash at just the right second. Sure, Alex is a good fighter, which takes some of the bite out of the monsters, but once you had figured out the monsters in the other games it was the same easy process of beating each of them with a steel pipe or whatever. Everyone shat their pants over the dodge function in combat, but what the hell? Am I to believe that everyone that plays SH games prefers a clunky combat system in this day and age? Do they not play any other games and they get confused and scared when something new like a dodge function comes along? These people are scared of change.

The story is really good, but again, when held up to one of the world's greatest games (SH2), Homecoming is obviously inferior. But so is having sex with girls, winning the lottery, and eating a bacon sandwich covered in bacon when compared with SH2. You aren't going to get the deep imagery with each monster that you had in SH2, but these monsters have some significance to the story. What keeps blowing my mind is that people get confused by multiple non-linked endings, but this existed in SH2 as well.

So, fuck, maybe it was all in his head, maybe he actually escapes Shepard's Glen with Elle and the whole thing was real, the thing is not that the endings depend on what you do in the game in the interpretive sense, but they only make sense in the context of the choices you made. I thought I was playing it the "good" way and got the "hospital" ending. Point is, this ending makes sense given I didn't put Alex's mom out of her misery when she was being tortured, mostly because she was so unhelpful earlier I thought she should pay for her silent-chair-rocking and nonsense responses to Alex's reasonable questions. "Reality AND responsibility", with the emphasis added, means you know what's true, but you can't do what's right. This is completely independent of the other endings. On the topic of writing and voice acting, the conversations are way more "natural", in the sense that Alex will shake his mom and be like "What the hell is going on?" instead of just carrying on with the conversation as if she isn't acting like a complete weirdo.

I am not going to embark on a detailed plot analysis this post, maybe later, but I am going to stand up here and say there is nothing wrong with SH:H from a series contintuation point of view. From what I have heard/read the series was in a tough spot after 4, but I feel Homecoming brought it back to its roots with a personal focus and an environment that reflects the key players in the story, not just some random mismash of imagery meant to impress your Affliction-tshirt-wearing mouthbreather. SH:H is good for the series, is a great interpretation of a new line to the story, and cultivated a similar sense of dread in the player that 1 & 2 accomplished (maybe even better, since you can't carry 100 shotgun shells and just mow down everything in your path as in 2.) Seriously, everyone was sick of the "ALESSA IS PISSED" storyline, and that cult still kind of featured, but it was in the background. I dunno, maybe the father-son motif summoned up some deep-seeded feelings I have never dealt with, but SH:H doesn't deserve the bad rap it is getting. The switch to American developers didn't change everything, as most forum posters assert.

The one problem with the game was these damn penis-head monsters were tough and fast and annoying. Fuck those monsters.