Hypothetically Speaking

Let's say you were getting married and you invited your friend who lived two time zones away. Your friend, at great personal expense, decides that they will fly back to their home town, bring their wedding-clothes, get you a gift, and blow off time at work because goddamnit you are friends and this is what friends do for each other when major life events occur. So, your friend RSVPs instantly for 1 guest, then a few weeks later asks if they can bring someone because they became involved with someone in the meantime. Your wedding isn't for 4 fucking months, so you should, presumably, be able to find an extra chair by then.

IN THEORY this shouldn't be a big deal. IN THEORY you should probably acknowledge that (a) your friend is coming back home FOR YOUR WEDDING, (b) your friend is spending a lot of money on that flight (P.S. you are a cheap motherfucker, that's why you would notice this) and your friend doesn't have a real job so they don't make real job money, and (c) it's early enough notice that you can help out your friend who was being pretty cool by letting you know so early.

Would you, after considering all this, opt to say something like "I hate to say this but we're pretty tight for space."? Would you really say that? YOU FUCKER! I BET YOU FUCKING WOULD!! Even after your friend had be all awkward and invite the person before contacting you after dating them for only like 3 weeks, since the person they invited has a batshit-crazy schedule and needs to plan shit months in advance and had to know today if your friend had any plans for the summer. SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!

Insane Clown Posse

Ok, so, ICP has been around for years. Decades maybe. I think in 2 years they will be 20 years old. For 18 years they have been getting fans from the Grade 9 to Grade 11 cohorts of disaffected high school students. After Grade 11, the cohort moves on but there is a new crew of 14 year olds to hear ICP "tell it like it is." These guys used to be kind of badass, I used to like it when they came on Loud because they had novelty value, like GWAR, except not infallible. Even when they were being dumb (this can't be serious, the beat sounds like it took all of 30 seconds to think up) it was kind of funny in a "it's 1997, I don't know no better" kind of way.

Now they came out with this Miracles song... What the hell? They went soft and just kinda let everyone know how stupid they are years ago, but what is this shit? This is why bands that suck should NOT be allowed to stick around, their dumb true colours come through. I was never a big fan, but this is just kind of sad to see. No matter how much novelty value they have, they should have quit and taken their legacy of being mildly interesting with them instead of just giving it all up and running out of ideas.

Deep-Frizzlin'

I deep fried a turkey last weekend, it was pretty awesome. We were at a party and thought shooting a .22 rifle and deep-frying a turkey would be a good idea. Turns out we know a good idea when we hear one.

Academics need to stop trying to have their cake and eat it too. When doing some sort of statistical analysis people are quick to point out "Oh, my estimates aren't causal" or "This is just an association, not causation." The rhyming is intended to scare away white people (90% of academics) so it normally lets them get away with it. Fine. But then they make a conclusion like "Since X and Y have this relationship, let's give people more X to make them have a more desirable level of Y." This implicitly means that they are treating X as causing, in some manner, Y. After saying "This is not causal" they go ahead and make causal recommendations on policy, etc. The irony would be delicious if it weren't something I am served up daily.

Causation, nooooo!

Cool Place to Park

Ok, ok, so what? I didn't post for a couple months, cut a brotha some slack. I've been busy with... stuff... Like, you know, all that stuff I've been doing.

What have I been doing? Oh, I dunno, maybe listening to wicked new music:

Austrian Death Machine. Hilarious metal band, based entirely on Ahhh-nuld movie quotes. Check out their newest hit single "I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle."

The Ravonettes. I had not heard of them before, but they aren't new. Good driving at night in the city music. Check the song that got my attention in my buddy's car. The video kinda sucks, but the music is all you need, so put it on and open a new tab.

Ya, that's pretty sweet, but what else? I've not been playing new video games.
"What's that?" I hear you asking in your mildly bemused yet superior tone, "BFG gave up on playing video games? Maybe he is finally growing up." Think again mothefucka. I'm playing OLD video games. If anything, I've regressed back to a point in my childhood so long gone that I am going to be the first person in history making negative maturity progress. How? The FC Twin, that's how. This borderline legal piece of equipment plays all the old hits for NES and SNES. Let's just say I'm bringin' back Contra. My boy comes over once a week and we take a go at Super C. They just don't make punishing games like they used to and we can get to Area 7, a feat I never accomplished in my childhood.




I dare you to play Super C. I fucking dare you. It will humble you.

"Next Blog"

I clicked on "Next Blog" up at the top of the page a couple of times to test what came up. Let's say I did this about 10 times. 6 of those 10 times, the blog that came up revolved around food, exclusively food. One was some single mom sharing recipes, another was a couple and their food-related travels, and another was a guy that really likes bacon.

Avid food blog reader.

3 of those 10 blogs were religious in some way. The 3 I saw were Christian, but I am sure there are Islamic, Jewish, Hindu, Sikh blogs, etc. These were the boring ones.

1 of 10 was a completely pointless blog that I didn't want to read. Kind of like this one. Which led me to wonder, what makes a popular blog? There's the obvious: Being famous, appealing to a subculture, being associated with a bigger more popular website. But what is a small timer to do? Here's the answer: Nothing. There is nothing desirable about having a popular blog. A wise man once said "Fans are clingy complaining dipshits that are never happy no matter how many concessions you give them." Why would you want a bunch of people reading your blog that you don't get paid for? So they could say things like "Gee whiz, that was a long time since your last entry, why don't you type entries most regularly so that I can complain that they aren't even MORE frequent"? You don't need that!

Get away from us, we don't like you anymore.




Anyway, point of the post: We, as a people, need to stop being so fucking obsessed with food that we devote entire blogs to it. What the fuck?

The True Meaning of Christmas is...

... Beating Resident Evil 4 on Professional difficulty, obviously. I often think about these time-honoured traditions, such as battling the Village Boss (whatever his name is) to get the eye and dying a couple of times because I am too cocky, and I think "How could I ever have these valuable rituals if I had kids?" The answer is that I couldn't, they would be eating the controllers and shitting all over the game.



He's comin' over to babysit.

My dear friends recently had a little girl, some other friends of mine (less dear, but still okay) recently announced that they are expecting a round little baby. The first couple don't play video games so the baby can be their new hobby, but the second couple are pretty selfish! I mean, coooome on. This guy is late to everything! How is he supposed to look after a baby when all he wants to do is play Arkham Asylum?

Anyway, all babies and video games aside, the true meaning of Christmas is to watch Christmas movies just because you can. Cancel your motherfuckin' plans, sit your fat ass down, and watch the greatest movie of them all "A Christmas Story." Not because it is a good movie, because you have nothing to do. It's even got rabbits!



Oh Aunt Martha, when will you learn?

I can hear you now "O, BFG, I would if I could but I have to do X, Y, and Z." I don't care, cancel that shit and chill out. Christmas break isn't about doin' stuff, it's about doin' nothing or slightly more than nothing, such as beating a game you basically have memorized for the 80th time.

Whoa whoa whoa... Whoa

The posting of (potentially) fat chick titties is taking your comeback tour one step too far, LF.