Ant War Part 1: Battlelines

It started off as any other move-in. I was re-arranging all of my possessions in my new place and thought “Hm, there are quite a few ants around here.” I lay a few traps and figured the people that used to live in my rental unit were lazy when it came to destroying intruders. “They won’t last the winter.” I foolishly thought. This was in 2009. Lo and behold, the spring of 2010 dawns and I start to notice the odd ant in my place. Then I found what I thought was a lone outpost outside my front door. No biggie, obviously, I can just run down to the old Home Depot, get some ant traps, and problem solved! Right? Wrong. The insidious ant knows no decency and the ant hill thrived in the face of my $3.99 poison delivery system. This meant war. And killin’ ants is nothing new to me. But let’s start at the beginning.

The first line of defence was probably my greatest mistake, since the senior BFGonia advisers didn't take the risk of ants seriously and bought these crappy things.

August 2009 – Operation Homefront

Upon moving in and discovering that the ant had decided to try and call BFGonia its home, I undertook a basic “homeland security” approach. Token defences included stomping the odd ant to make an example of it for the sake of the others or putting down traps. Needless to say, it didn’t matter, since the Calgary winter kicked in and negotiated an uneasy peace between the Ant Kingdom and BFGonia.

Aoril 2010 - Operation Surgical Strike

After a quick trip outside I noticed some ant colonies. No bigz, I thought, let's use that liquid ant killer stuff and just ice these mothafuckaz like it ain't no thang. The poison was applied, and nothing happened. I threw it all over their hill. The one hill I DOUSED was abandoned, probably because I made the soil basically poison as opposed to actually killing ants, but the remainder were treated too, and they grew more powerful.

Exhibit A - An enemy soldier.

May 2010 – Operation Toxic Embrace

A history lesson is necessary at this point. BFGonia is split into two allied nations: Main Level is the major economic and democratic engine of BFGonia, a region that is ruled by a wise king whose name is leant to the great BFGonia nation due to his benevolence and appeal to the ladies. Back Apartment is the seedy underbelly of BFGonia, where lawlessness and poor hygiene are the rules of the day. The identity of the slumlord that rules Back Apartment is forgotten by the wise BFG, for he has more pressing matters to remember. Anyway, the previous slumlord, while slumly, had an active interest in gardening. The trade agreement between Main Level and Back Apartment was that lawn maintenance would be exchanged for snow maintenance, and there was prosperity for the two regions. Upon the usurping of power by the new slumlord lawn maintenance had fallen by the wayside. Despite the negotiation of an identical treaty to that established before, Back Apartment labourers did not fulfill their part of the deal. This is why one day, no longer able to stand it, the king of Main Level took it upon himself to cut the grass.

What the good king discovered that day has since been immortalized by legend and song. Ant hills, many of them, at least 6, as far as the eye could see up until the fence. When they were run over by the cheap lawnmower supplied by Sze Corp., hardware supplier to BFGonia, the grass seemed alive in a writhing black mass. The king was overwhelmed by ants at times, but muscled through their tiny assault and continued the economic progress until the lawn was shortened. Initially, the front lawn outposts were thought to be the only stations that the ants used to assault the house. Upon inspection, it was clear that a large colony had been set up in the back and drastic action was needed to fight off the scourge of the Ant Kingdom.

King BFG is a peaceful man deep down, thus when he needs to murder mass quantities of living creatures he goes to the hellish wastes of the internet for the good of his people. His first general, General Murder, decided that the plan of mixing borax and sugar would deliver a dose of slow working poison that the ants would take home with them, which they would eat, AND THEN DIIIIIE!!! Unfortunately, after full application to the hills, the damage was zero. In fact, BFGonia scientists believe that the added dose of sugar lead to expansion of the Ant Kingdom.

BFGonian propaganda poster urging citizens to stomp them before they can stomp you!

To be continued.