Too Many Mutha-Ucka'z Uckin' Wit Ma Shee.

Who would ever recommend a Michael Cera movie, I mean COOOME ON. Jack Black is a man I view as a sometimes comic genius but I will not watch Year One because Cera's awkward ass is going to be mumbling and bumbling around the screen all stupidly.

Look at him:


What a chump. I thought he was funny in Arrested Development, we all did. He was kinda awkward, kinda quirky, I thought "What a great character." Then I realized, it's not a great character when Cera is the same character in every movie! He's just being himself! That's not acting, that's just reading lines. Unfortunately, he gets paid more than me, which just shows how mental the world's incentive scheme is.

Let's all boycott Year One. O wait, you won't, because everyone is an asshole except me! Please Hollywood, tell me what to like! I eat this shit up when you feed it to me, here's my $12.50.

Hey Look, Something I Was Told To Like.

Moving on. What's the deal with giving props to whatever high budget video game happens to come out that week? I am looking at you Gamespot. Sure, there are tons of yes men in the review game, but what the fuuuuuuck? Why is this game getting accolades out the ass? You have infinite ammo, pretty much nothing can kill you (I played the demo, so I might have had an overpowered character), and you just fire tons of electricity around. I really like blowing shit up as much as the next social reject, but mucho explosions does not a good game make.

I dunno, I don't identify with a main character that looks like he belongs in the audience of some amateur MMA event and handles like the national parkour champion. Some mouth-breathers have gone so far as to say this game has the "best storyline since Bioshock." First of all, Bioshock has one of the best storylines in history. There is no way Skinhead McLightningbolt can compete with Andrew Ryan. Second of all, since when do sandbox games get storyline points? If you can do anything in any order you like, then the story is a set of main missions surrounded by side quests that don't really matter. How can you have a wicked story when most of it doesn't really matter? I haven't played the game, but I am just comparing it to, say, GTA or Oblivion. Side quests are something like this: "Can you help me? Good. Kill/Steal/Retrieve/Go to Objective. Then Return." After this, the king is still dead, the city is still fucked, and you still have a job to do. Story not advanced.

Let's see something that isn't the same old bullshit. Lets see something new, something fresh, or maybe something not completely new but with a bit of imagination in the concept. On topic, maybe Alan Wake will make it onto the PS3 through some magical happenings in the land of dick-swinging and the Halo freaks won't have something else to hold onto that they can't appreciate... like the Fallout 3 DLC... Grumble.

Freezer Repair Apprentice

Yes! I finally got my apprenticeship in freezer repair!

It's funny because I wasn't really trying to, I just keep having to turn the damn thing off to clear out the ice that is blocking the fan about once a month, and now I have logged enough hours to finally be a qualified apprentice!

In other news, my professional team of badasses has been scooped by someone from Montreal. Scooped in the long-term sense of the word, since we are about 1.5 years behind. In an effort to salvage something of this disaster of Hindenburg-esque proportions, I will be pulling a rabbit out of my ass.

So Much Freedom, No Idea on What to Do

(I am opening myself up to obvious jokes here...)

I guess I could, I dunno, write a story or do some work or something... Instead I will do nothing and waste time on Wikipedia.

(2 hours later)

I am no smarter for the experience. Of course, you don't stay on Wikipedia when you go there, you make your way to other parts of the net and start reading forums with 3000 + posts and then your brain just turns to mush and you smell burnt toast and you forget things like the capitals of countries to make room in your now mushy brain for all the stupid bullshit getting spewed about the latest Zero Punctuation review or YouTube rickrolling video.

"IMHO not funny but some people might like it i dunno not my thing

just my opinion tho"

If you have ever posted something like the above quote on some sort of forum designed for public comments, please take every computer that is in your house and donate it to people that cannot afford a computer. Then drop out of school or quit your job, since you are polluting the lives of others with your inane existence. Then go tell my co-pilot on this magical mystery tour, Lunatic Fringe, to post on the g-d blog before I go to his g-d house and start messin' up his face.

Which brings me to my next point: The people that live across the street from me. When I said to donate the abused computers to those that cannot afford their own computers, exclude the people across the street. They sit on their steps yelling at one another, despite the fact they are about 2 feet away from each other, and then they scream at their dog when it tries to have some fun in their fenced off front yard. They also burp really loudly when I am trying to enjoy a nice night of not hearing their disgusting burps. If this carries on into the summer then once I get back from LF's place I am gonna have to take my face-messin'-up show on the road.

Email Boardgaming Supremacy

In diplomatic relations news, this blog's BFG9000 recently wrapped up 17 weeks of play-by-email Diplomacy with a victory for England. Lunatic Fringe was also in the game as Turkey, and placed a solid second. However, BFG9000's mighty pen and sharp wit carried him to victory... Well, technically the game isn't over yet, but in keeping with a tradition of gloating, I decided to post this early.

Here's a shot of the game as it stands.

As you can see, England has the game in hand through clever moves and brilliant negotiation. What genius gameplay. It should be noted that this is Lunatic Fringe's first game ever, so his showing speaks to his strong fundamentals and never-say-die attitude. Unfortunately, close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades... and fuzzy bitmaps.

Silent Hill: Homecoming. American Sellout Special or Evolution of Survival Horror?

Spoiler Alerts, but why would you be reading a commentary if you hadn't played the game, idiot?

I have the special distinction of being "down" with Silent Hill since Day 1. This is a fact I gladly lord over my other video gaming friends. I say things like "If only you had picked up Silent Hill 1 and known the fear and anxiety it caused when you were still innocent." Silent Hill 2 is by far one of the most amazing games in history, so we won't even waste more characters going there. Silent Hill 3 lost me partway through the beginning and I never bothered with 4, but now that I have a next-gen console it was only a matter of time before I picked up SH:H, or 5 as it was once known.

Enter local bad-ass and protagonist Alex Shepard. The guy has problems, like all other SH main characters, only Alex isn't some chump that crashed a Jeep at the city limits. Alex is an ex-soldier (or so he wishes) who must have been in the U.S. Army's Special Ops unit that specialized in killing fucked up looking monsters. Never has a SH character been able to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee like Alex. And it works. I am confused when I hear fanboy purists (Note: I am a fan of the series, different from "fanboy") saying that shitty fighting abilities was part of the scary package of Silent Hill. There is nothing scary about lining up James Sutherland with a slowly approaching nurse then holding the bash button so that you time the head smash at just the right second. Sure, Alex is a good fighter, which takes some of the bite out of the monsters, but once you had figured out the monsters in the other games it was the same easy process of beating each of them with a steel pipe or whatever. Everyone shat their pants over the dodge function in combat, but what the hell? Am I to believe that everyone that plays SH games prefers a clunky combat system in this day and age? Do they not play any other games and they get confused and scared when something new like a dodge function comes along? These people are scared of change.

The story is really good, but again, when held up to one of the world's greatest games (SH2), Homecoming is obviously inferior. But so is having sex with girls, winning the lottery, and eating a bacon sandwich covered in bacon when compared with SH2. You aren't going to get the deep imagery with each monster that you had in SH2, but these monsters have some significance to the story. What keeps blowing my mind is that people get confused by multiple non-linked endings, but this existed in SH2 as well.

So, fuck, maybe it was all in his head, maybe he actually escapes Shepard's Glen with Elle and the whole thing was real, the thing is not that the endings depend on what you do in the game in the interpretive sense, but they only make sense in the context of the choices you made. I thought I was playing it the "good" way and got the "hospital" ending. Point is, this ending makes sense given I didn't put Alex's mom out of her misery when she was being tortured, mostly because she was so unhelpful earlier I thought she should pay for her silent-chair-rocking and nonsense responses to Alex's reasonable questions. "Reality AND responsibility", with the emphasis added, means you know what's true, but you can't do what's right. This is completely independent of the other endings. On the topic of writing and voice acting, the conversations are way more "natural", in the sense that Alex will shake his mom and be like "What the hell is going on?" instead of just carrying on with the conversation as if she isn't acting like a complete weirdo.

I am not going to embark on a detailed plot analysis this post, maybe later, but I am going to stand up here and say there is nothing wrong with SH:H from a series contintuation point of view. From what I have heard/read the series was in a tough spot after 4, but I feel Homecoming brought it back to its roots with a personal focus and an environment that reflects the key players in the story, not just some random mismash of imagery meant to impress your Affliction-tshirt-wearing mouthbreather. SH:H is good for the series, is a great interpretation of a new line to the story, and cultivated a similar sense of dread in the player that 1 & 2 accomplished (maybe even better, since you can't carry 100 shotgun shells and just mow down everything in your path as in 2.) Seriously, everyone was sick of the "ALESSA IS PISSED" storyline, and that cult still kind of featured, but it was in the background. I dunno, maybe the father-son motif summoned up some deep-seeded feelings I have never dealt with, but SH:H doesn't deserve the bad rap it is getting. The switch to American developers didn't change everything, as most forum posters assert.

The one problem with the game was these damn penis-head monsters were tough and fast and annoying. Fuck those monsters.

Movies Suck

Why is Hollywood just making every move ever made, again? Seriously. No one was talking about how awesome the original "The Day the Earth Stood Still" was, so why make it again with Keanu?

On the topic of Keanu, did anyone see Street Kings? I did. 1 star. That guy cannot act, I don't care what anybody says.